I sit here less than three weeks from my wedding, I have a confession to make. I am insecure. About many things like any other broken human being, but especially about my body. In a society saturated with articles about and images of (photoshopped) bodies that "define" the "perfect" body, I look at myself and see a woman who does not measure up to those standards. Unless I begin a Olympian-like dedication to "perfecting" my body, I never will get there. Do I need to? Hell no.
Nevertheless, in a little more than two weeks I will bare all to a man and be as vulnerable to a human as I will ever be. And that scares me. What about the five hairs that grow to an inch in length around my belly button? The weird, white bumps on my chest? Those are the small things. I could rattle off a number of other things such as how much I have often despised my abdomen (and why can't mine feel more F-L-A-T than F-A-T?), my inner thighs that jiggle and how my arms never seem to look toned even when I try to make them (I know I am not the only woman to look at a photo and think "Geez, my arms look so big"). And as much as I love my fair skin, it shows EVERYTHING. Every scar, birth mark, dark spot, dark circle, blotchiness, and every other stinking imperfection on me. It's these insecurities that mount against me and wage war in my heart.
And yet, God made woman in His image. He did not photoshop her, tell her she must look only THIS way. He most certainly did not say she was not beautiful if she did not meet a checklist, and he NEVER made a one-size-fits all model.
So why I am I so nervous about my future husband seeing me in such a vulnerable state? Because I have believed a lie that he expects me to look like Giselle Bundchen, Heidi Klum, Karlie Kloss, or Miranda Kerr. Being surrounded my entire life by images and movies-no matter how strongly my parents lovingly tried to shield me from these things- that portray a lie about a woman's body has slowly eaten away at my brain and caused me to think THAT is how I should look. And until I do, that no man will truly find me beautiful, alluring or sexy. It's not like I never feel beautiful, but some days build into an explosion of "I'm not good enough and I will never love my body".
So how could a man love it?
For many reasons I could state, but one of my favorites is that God did not make men like women. They are so entranced by the female form because God is so stinkin awesome to make them so.
But I have to love my body. God gave it to me afterall and asked that I respect and treasure it because it his temple. One of my favorite lines about God creating us comes from a youtube video by The Skit Guys. Pretending to be the voice of God, Eddie states, "You have listened to so many voices for far too long that aren't of me...I don't make junk. What does that say about me?"
That's right Mollie Smashingly Awesome Booth. God did not make junk when He made me. He made me to be a curvy, (some curves I could do without but I wasn't there when He made my mold so, oh well), freckled and speckled, acne scarred, lumpy in some places, and mushy in others. God made me, me.
So in 18 days, when I invite my husband to know all about me, I can remember, I am a masterpiece. Better than a Raphael, Da Vinci, or Vigee Le Brun, I was made in God's image and I am perfectly imperfect. And that is all that I need to be.
NOTE: I want to clarify that my future husband does NOT expect me to have a model body or look perfect, he is a gem who loves me for who I am. I am extremely blessed .
