Growing Back to My Young Self

Do you know what growing up did to me?

I stumbled across old FB notes I penned and thought "who is this pretty cool chick who has a big heart?". Not arrogantly. I simply admired her courage to write her beliefs, her ability to dream huge, and her I-don't-give-a-damn-what-others-think attitude. 

I liked her. 

Then I realized that she was ME. 

It seemed like a version of me from a parallel universe. I barely remember believing that openly or loving so fearlessly. 

What happened to me? 

I thought I was a dreamer, who would never "grow up" and would have the golden heart of a child.

I think it started at 15 when I began to believe the lie that I was ugly, chunky, and not good enough for anyone to love. It started when I picked up a razor and decided that cutting was the only way to cope with emotions that were too big for me. It started when I drove to a river and let thoughts of suicide torment me enough to drive there over and over. Wanting to die. 

It started when I let my beauty be numbed with lies like "You feel too deeply and no one can ever understand you". Or "No one would care if you died". "You wouldn't be missed at all". "Life would be better if you never were born". "Your family won't notice you've gone." 

Where did that imaginative girl go?

Did she shrivel up? Did she let her vast amount of emotions take her down? Did she DIE?

For amazing reasons and people in my life, I am still here today in one piece. But I wondered after reading those notes, did I allow years of pain to wound me too deeply to be the me God created?

I closed up and closed myself off emotionally for a long time; and it has taken a lot of work to come out of the shell of protection I made for myself. Pain caused me to fear vulnerability because I saw it as the catalyst to pain. And so I walled up.

But I keep seeing the spring sun shine over the walls I made and I want to go out and play. I want to be that young, spirited girl, who was uninhibited by life's ups and downs. I want to be HER again.

Writing this was certainly a way for me to open up and come out of that fog. That's why I started the tag "vulnerability" for posts. Some days I need to write from the depths of my heart and share with you, my dear readers. I hope this new posting style will encourage you, provoke a new way of thinking, and allow you to be vulnerable in your life as well. It can make us uneasy at times. But the great life lessons always start with unrest. It's how we grow.

Do you know what growing up did to me? I think it tried to knock me down for good. But thankfully I serve a God who doesn't let that unnerve him. And he made sure I am standing on my own two feet, ready to make someone laugh with my silly imagination.

Welcome back, dreamer.


How did growing up affect you?

Image via Nick Glimenakis